Anger's Angel

Modified Dreams... Capitulo Nueve... Bridge

2008-04-16T14:58:00.000-07:00

He felt the air cooling his face as he was falling, rushing to the water. He felt like flying. He held his breath and entered in the river’s cold water.

Then he opened his eyes. The water was so clear that he could see the stones at the bottom; the sunlight could go straight to them and make them shine. While sinking, he glanced at his feet and hands so white with the coolness. After that, he looked upwards the surface to see the bubbles going up as they were released from his mouth.

He thought that he could see the bridge which he had just jumped from.

As he had no air in his lungs, he sank more and more; until a colder layer of water surprised him. He resisted this sudden feeling of fear to it and kept on sinking. When he reached the bottom he felt the slippery stones, the softness of the sand and the calm of the silence.

His ears started to ache and his heart’s beatings became louder and stronger. But he didn’t want to go up so he held a heavy stone and stayed there; quiet, silent, calmed.

He was able to hear some noises which he thought were kids swimming in the surface.

After a few moments he couldn’t bear the pain in his ears anymore and his lungs were desperate for air. He let go off the stone and swam the way up. It was a long shot now that he needed air so much. Finally he emerged and took a deep breath. It was really close to dying he thought. He also thought that it was enough just jumping to the water and not to go down to the bottom.

Then he realized that the kids around him were staring at him astonished. They shouted excitedly asking him to do it again, to jump from the bridge again. They didn’t know he was trying to kill himself.

He nodded in approval nut said nothing. He walked out of the river and climbed up to the 15 meter bridge.

His hands were shaking, his beatings were strong and the wind felt colder. Death kissed hi cheek when he finally jumped for the last time.

Wings

2008-04-01T06:50:00.000-07:00

He got little wings. He resembled those little angels from Valentine’s Day’s cards. But he had to hide his wings because it was not normal. He never let his mother hug him ever since he noticed his first feathers; he also tried to avoid being seen nude. He hat to use a large dressing gown so nobody could see him after a shower. He had to wear loose clothes and walk very erect so his wings would not be seen in the streets.

His wings were little when he was little. Every time he was alone he examined his wings, touched them, felt them and tried to move them which he could once in a while.

When he was with his parents nobody noticed anything. Sometimes even he forgot about this. He went to school, talked with his classmates, played soccer and fell in love as any common child. He was naive at that time, he did not know the world, he was blind and his wings were white as moonlight.

As the time went on, his wings became bigger and larger. His pure color white went gray, dark gray. Every time he heard something he did not know but suspected about, his feathers went a little darker. But his was so subtle that he did not realize when the white disappeared. Lie by lie purity was lost.

At times he almost forgot about that too. There were days when a hug from her would make him go blank about it. She would kiss him now and then and he would be hers. No matter how large his wings were now, it would not be a problem.

She was the one who erased his wings, the one who melted them with her fire. He was deeply grateful to her from liberating him of that. She was all he needed and all he wanted. He was free at last; he had a reason to live. Then her love faded along with his smile. The wings reappeared blacker, bigger and stronger.

He had nobody to make him forget his wings.

This time he was alone, seen as a weird creature, as an odd mixture of things.

Sometimes I have to remember that I believed in love, but it was long ago when my wings were too little and too clear to be seen.

The Master

2008-03-31T08:38:00.000-07:00

I was just a little demon

Who needed a real master

I could not control my fire

Which didn’t grow that faster

He came big and violent

And rose his hand to teach me

He was just now and then and sometimes

He gave me what I was to be

I hated his beatings and torments

Feared his fire and his whip

His wicked sight, his irrationality

The endless bleeding of my lip

I was then a little monster

Who needed training and wings

He gave me all I needed

Now I’m paying all his sins

Modified Dreams... Capitulo ocho... The Road To Anger

2008-03-05T10:30:00.000-08:00

This time I see myself taller, thinner and lonely again, surrounded by people who called themselves to be friends of mine but never felt like that. The, among the, there’s someone. She’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and I’m lucky to be the one she hugged and kissed. I feel love for the very first time. She was so pure, so white and with eyes so clear that I felt unworthy of her kisses. I loved her. I wanted to be with her forever. But then appeared the beats, the man who said he lived only to serve God and Jesus Christ our Lord. Her father was to me like the beast he so much hated. He was to me like the same devil he was running away from and escaped from. He took her away from me and I foolishly gave up, losing her, even after being forgiven for my mistakes. I lost her for the silliest reason ever: religion.

I smoke, I see myself smoking to clam down. I realize how hard my life had been. I struggle to reach my goals, to make my dreams come true and I got it. I try to forget that angelical woman, and I got it

LIES!

When I found this other girl who painted my life with passion and lust I thought I had forgotten the angel, but no. I did lose my feelings about her but I could not forget her eyes; her kisses were erased with kisses of fire and her hugs were erased with her nude warmth. I felt love again and I fell defeated to her feet. I was devoted to her as she was devoted to me in the beginning. I was happy.

NO! THAT’S A LIE!

I was left there, humiliated, abandoned, abhorred because of lies she only saw in her mind. I was told lie after lie and each one was a brick of water that the truth frost into ice. A thick wall started to separate me from the world. It crated a dungeon to hide the angel that was to be born: the Anger’s Angel.

I see me in the dark, screaming and shouting out the treasons i was victim of. The last thing I hear is the angelical voice saying: “I regret the days I spent with you, I see now that those were a waste of time” then I hear the walls falling down and releasing my wrath. That’s the road to anger.

I’m still here fighting.
I don’t want to become what I fear the most.
But it’s too late.

Playing Dead... Nightmaring Plays... Final Part...

2007-11-13T07:30:00.000-08:00

Continues from part IV

Rodney goes out escorted by Reeds who stays down the threshold waiting for Alison. They enter while Dave speaks.

Dave: that’s how you’ve always been! You throw the stone and hide your hands… It’s not that nobody does it, but you coward never admitted it! You played this game just as you wanted it to outcome! Now I’m dead, but I swear you’ll never make her happy as I could have made her! I wonder if you (the audience) have ever felt this sensation of being robbed. But, I think it’s more than that… I feel as if I had been taken away the only reason I had to live… (He sees Alison sitting at the table) Now I guess you my friend are going to betray me as everyone.

Lt Hound: Could you say your name aloud please?

Alison: Alison Brown.

Lt. Hound: did you know the victim?

Alison: yes sir, He was my best friend

Lt Hound: perfect, so do you know any possible reason he might have had to commit suicide?

Alison: Actually I do…

Dave: Shit! I shouldn’t have trusted you!

Lt. Hound: Yes?

Alison: Well I’m not sure if I’m supposed to do this…

Lt. Hound: in fact you have no choice as you may be obstructing with our investigation

Alison: ok, well… like a week ago he gave me this (hands Hound a letter)

Lt Hound: (reading) <>

Dave: Wait! Didn’t write that! ... What’s going on here?

Lt Hound: (still reading) <>

Dave: no, that can’t be!!

Lt Hound: (still reading) <> erm… well I think this explains quite a lot what happened.

Alison: more or less, I think he was kind of crazy and that’s why he committed suicide.

Dave: no (with his hand in his forehead) that can’t be.

Lt. Hound: ok, this is clear. Now the only thing left to do is to take the corpse to the morgue. Reeds; dismiss the witnesses and everybody else is free to go home.

Dave: No … no… no

Voice: I told you, you are a coward. You don’t dare to face the truth.

Dave: No! You made this happen! How did you do it?!

Voice: come on! I AM you! I am the things you always wanted to do but you never dared to. I hid your deeds every time it wasn’t useful if you knew them. I tried to convince you what was right, but your cold feet made you kill yourself, made me kill myself!

Dave: well, nothing matters now that I’m dead. So why don’t you tell me what happened?

Voice: it happened that you were always dead; you were blind all the time. Rodney had all the time of the world to plan his sobbing with Lucy and you didn’t even see that coming.

Dave: ufff, anyway… But here, listen. I’m not the only one who was dead and thought he was alive; (to the audience) you all are dead too! You pretend to know what is happening around you, you want to believe you know yourselves so well that nobody has the right to tell you anything. And how can I know? Well Lucy and the others couldn’t see you, but I do. Besides, you are sitting there watching this and don’t want to realise you are all living in a lie! Ask yourselves this: who are you and what do YOU want? I can swear you will believe your own lie once again.

Dave goes out and closes the door behind him.

The End.

Playing Dead... Nightmaring Plays... Part IV

2007-08-23T14:59:00.000-07:00

Continues from part III

…Dave:I don’t know why I feel cool, calmed… (Enters Reeds followed by Rodney and Dave sees him) well I felt so…

Lt. Hound: please sir, sit down (Rodney does) could you say your name aloud please?

Rodney: Rodney Callahan

Lt. Hound: Did you know the victim?

Rodney: Yes, I did know him very well.

Lt. Hound: How did you become friends?

Rodney: Actually he wasn’t my friend, I said I knew him.

Dave: that’s true; you can’t possibly be friend of anyone.

Lt. Hound: so what did you mean by saying “Yes, I did know him very well”?

Dave: (sarcastic) Yeah! Please tell me...

Rodney: well, knowing the kind of shit someone can be doesn’t mean that he is your friend. (Dave faces him)

Dave: say that again bitch!

Lt. Hound: please answer the question.

Rodney: I knew him because of Lucy. He was her boyfriend by the time I meet her. She told me everything of him, and to say for me it’s more than enough.

Lt. Hound: You will excuse me, but I heard she had an affair with you and that fact is most important as a reason for him to commit suicide.

Rodney: though it’s none of your business I have to admit it is true. But I wouldn’t call affair something that lasted six months.

Dave: Oh really? So why did she came to me again?

Lt. Hound: Please answer, do you think it might have influenced Dave to kill himself?

Rodney: I guess so. As he was such a coward to accept she preferred me I think he escaped.

Dave: (Hound calls Reeds and tells him something while Dave speaks) Coward?! You are the coward! You fuckin’ liar! You never dared to say anything! You always hid behind her shadow waiting for a chance to be with her! You never faced me! If you’d have done so other would have been dead and not me!

Lt Hound: So, are you saying you wanted him dead so you could be with miss summers?

Rodney: I didn’t say that. I just said he was a coward and that dying he escaped from the truth that she didn’t wanted him any longer.

Dave: You wanted me dead! You made this happen!

Lt. Hound: Good. That’ll be all, thanks mr Callahan.

Dave: that’s how you’ve always been! You throw the stone and hide your hands… It’s not that nobody does it, but you coward never admitted it! You played this game just as you wanted it to outcome! No I’m dead, but I swear you’ll never make her happy as I could have made her!

(Dave screams and fall on his knees. Enters Reeds followed by Alison)

To be contunued... wait for the last part...

Playing Dead... Nightmaring Plays... Part III

2007-08-20T10:28:00.001-07:00

Continues from part two...

Enters Vivian followed by Hound and Reeds who stays at the door.

Lt Hound: sit down, Could you say your name aloud please?

Vivian: Vivian O’Connell

Lt Hound: Did you know the victim well?

Vivian: Well, I did but not as my other friends. He was more close to them than me, though we spent lots of time together

Lt. Hound: ok, under what circumstanced did you meet?

Vivian: at a party for my arrival from France a couple of moths ago. And… that day we had an affair… nothing very serious anyway.

Lt. Hound: well… more than necessary, uhm, do you have any idea of the reasons he might have had to kill himself?

Dave: (kissing her cheek) Yep, you were such a good friend, so nice that I couldn’t resist your attraction. I guess you couldn’t also. I miss your presence… I swear... do you still think we were just friends?

Vivian: let me see, during all the time I knew him he always looked sad, like worried for something. He looked like he was going to commit suicide one day. I would say his girlfriend had much to do with his mood, He told me many times how much he loved her, and how much bad she did to him when she cheated on him. Every single day he told me that it was too difficult to live with that pain inside and besides seeing the one Lucy preferred almost the whole time.

Lt. Hound: who was this guy?

Vivian: Rodney. he's outside waiting for his turn.

Lt. Hound: when did this happen?

Vivian: well, as I see, this has nothing to do with me making clear I had nothing to do with his death.

Lt. Hound: I beg your pardon. Well. Anything else you think would be useful for us?

Vivian: I guess not.

Lt. Hound: that will be all then. Thank you.

Dave walks besides her to the door, and then turns to the audience:

Dave: you know… she would be the only reason to come back to your (pointing the audience) world. She made me feel like I was on fire whenever she kissed me, she made me realise of the meaning of passion… but then… I’m dead! I feel cold, empty… not very different from the real world, but… I don’t know… It’s more quiet being dead.. I don’t know why I feel cool, calmed… (Enters Reeds followed by Rodney and Dave sees him) well I felt so…

To be continued...

Playing Dead... Nightmaring Plays Part II...

2007-08-17T10:11:00.000-07:00

[I'm uploading one character's declaration only at the time as it is easier to read]

Continues from part one...

Enters Lucy followed by Reeds, she’s been crying, and her eyes are wet. Lt. Hound goes out. And Dave walks around the room [Remember they can't hear or see Dave]

Reeds: Could you say your name aloud please?

Lucy: Lucy Summers

Reeds: Ok, did you know the victim?

Lucy: Yes, I do of course. He was my boyfriend.

Reeds: Well, how long had you known him?

Lucy: For almost three years

Reeds: Under what circumstances did you meet?

Lucy: I’d known him since we were kids, we were neighbours (dries her eyes)

Dave: (touching her hair speaking while is not) I remember all those days when we were happy… do you darling?

Lucy: We studied at the same school but we split in secondary… then we got into the same studies at college and started our relation…

Reeds: Good, uhh... can you think of a reason he might had had to commit suicide?

Lucy: (nodding in negation) I wish I knew…

Dave: (screaming) Lies!!! You are a reason! Your lies! Say you were!

Reeds: sorry for the intromission, but I know you cheated on him. Don’t you think it could have had something to do?

Lucy: That’s something I keep for myself and I won’t tell you my secrets. I think it’s been enough! (exits at the time Hound enters)

Dave: perfect! That’s how you’ve always been! (reeds says something to Lt Hound ) Run! Escape as usual! I see it was wrong to stay with you after all! Fool me! (reeds go out and calls one of the witnesses) can you see? We all are fool ones, we realise of the truth when we are dead! Oh! Good! Let’s die then, discover what you always wanted to know! Don’t miss this opportunity! It’s free anyway! (Always sarcastic)

To be continued...

Playing Dead... Nightmaring Plays Part I...

2007-08-10T12:06:00.000-07:00

Dave is walking around the room, Goes to pic up a needle and a tie. He shots himself with heroine. Then sits on the sofa and starts hearing a voice:

Voice: why are you doing this? Isn’t there any other way to forget? Or are you trying to just escape a little from all the things you don’t dare to admit?

He covers his head with his hands and starts to walk around the room again looking at nowhere.

Voice: why can’t you accept you suck? She realised of that, that’s why she left you!

(Dave sits in the sofa again) takes a knife and cuts his arms. He rests himself back on the sofa and says:

Dave: I won’t listen to you anymore.

Lights go off, when they go on again enters Lucy, Austin, Alison, Lisa, Rodney and Vivian. They find Dave dead.

Lisa: Hi Dave, how… (Screams) what did you do, you fool!? (cries)

Austin: wow, this is odd… I don’t understand…

Rodney: We better call the cops guys… (They all look like worried)

Lights go off again. When they open, the scene has changed: the corpse has been covered with a blanket and all the guys are in a corner waiting as the police checks the room.

Lt. Hound: (calling a policeman) Reeds, have you found anything?

Cop Reeds: yes sir, we found a needle and heroine, a couple of rubber bands and the knife the victim used

Lt. Hound: any letter, note of anything of the kind?

Cop reeds: no sir.

Lt. Hound: right, so the only thing left is to take their speeches. (Calls them) Please gentlemen come here. (They get close) We’ll have to ask for your declarations to leave this clear so you can go home without any responsibility, You first sir please. (Austin)

Lt. Hound: could you say your name aloud please

Austin: Austin Greenbaum

Lt. Hound: did you know the victim?

Austin: yes sir. We were friends in fact.

Lt. Hound: and how long have you known him?

Austin: I’ve known him since last summer

Lt. Hound: under what circumstances did you meet him?

Austin: well, we were at a summer camp near Pucón. He was on vacations and stayed at the hotel I worked in. he asked me once where he could get Ecstasy so I told him to go to Rod’s cause he was the clocker there that summer., after that we went to a party and we became very good friends.

Lt. Hound: have you ever used drugs? (yes) do you still take them?

Austin: no, not now that I decided to go on rehab.

Lt. Hound: do you know how often did the victim use heroin?

Austin: well not that often as he used to, but I know he started not long ago taking ecstasy, you know everything stars with E and then come other stronger things, acid, heroine…

Lt. Hound: I see. I know you were living in his apartment. Why was it?

Austin: well, I began my studies in history this year and as he was my friend, he offered me to stay at his apartment while I got a scholarship. As nothing ever came I stayed with him and with Lucy all this time.

Lt. Hound: mmm, do you have any idea why he could have committed suicide?

Then, lights go off, and when they go on again Dave is there standing.

Dave: what?! (He looks at his arms) What happened?! I’m supposed to be dead!! (He realises that nobody listens to him and puts his hand in front of their eyes but they don’t notice)

Lt. Hound: don’t mind the light, please answer the question

Austin: well, he was dating a girl, Alison, but she cheated on him. That’s why he went on drugs. But I knew he was ok by now.

Dave: Lies! You knew that all the time! You convinced me to go to that party so they could have time to cheat on me!!! And they called themselves friends of mine… ha!

Lt. Hound: well, that would be fine. Thank you Mr. Greenbaum.

Dave: can you see what a good friend he is? Well it’s not important, anyway I’m dead... (he starts to play fool) wuju! I’m dead! (To the people) Hey you, discover the real advantages of being dead: people can’t see you, so you can mock on their faces but hey will not care… Because they don’t see you! Second: you can fly!!! (Tries to fly by jumping) well, you can’t, I guess you have to be another kind of ghost to do that. But the most important: you can hear conversations and realise of things people never wanted you to know!!! Fuck the all liars!!!

Enters Lucy followed by Reeds, she’s been crying, and her eyes are wet. Lt. Hound goes out.

To Be Continued...

I got an Award!!!!... thanks Edyta

2007-08-06T08:19:00.000-07:00

Yeeepeee!!!

I have been Awarded from abroad... lol!

Edyta, the blogger I admire the most for her writtings created an Award.. And I'm one of the lucky ones who received this Award...

She says my writting is sexy (I guess it is because one or two semi-erotic modified dreams I've uploaded) and I must say I'm confused about it... :S It's kind of embarrasing (I can't tell why) I don't feel mine is sexy writting, I would say it is something I try to make sound profound instead... though I admit sometimes I want to write something that coul turn people on

so...

You may thinks this is not quite a relevant price, but as she recongised me as a good writter I have to thank her a lot

Obviously she's not he only one who has ever said I write good stuff, also Berni, Pazzi, Sita traductora, Rxm, Gled... etc...

but as they do not always upload their writtigs (except for Gled) I can't give them the award... :(

well, if you guys start spending more time writting things I gues I'll be able to pass the Award...

So Thanks for the Award Edyta, and to all the other bloggers who have visited my blog and have said it is a good one, thank you all too.

Silence... A blackout...

2007-08-02T12:38:00.000-07:00

He was awake late at night, one that had been really cold and clear and in spite of that, he went out to smoke a cigarette before going to bed. He lived in a building with strange corridors and complicated architecture. This building was in the middle of a big noisy city where the cars never stopped and the people never stopped to think about anything but work and money. As the city was too noisy he didn’t expect to find much quiet in his favorite place to smoke, a corner where the fluorescent lights of the building never lighted. So, he started to think about how he could find some peace there, where noises were dominant. Suddenly, he realized that everything worked better if one tries to ask questions the other way around: to get the perfect silence isolating every sound and paying attention to none.

The first thing he heard was a car running down the street. It stopped at a red light in the corner while an old and loud motorcycle from telepizza reached the corner. The light must have turned green because both vehicles continued their way and their sounds faded away. After that, a dog started barking some houses north. He had come to ignore those sounds and others like the guys upstairs playing poker and dinking, the ring bell every five minutes and so on. After this, he noticed a buzzing, searched for it but didn’t find where it came from until a blinking from the corridor gave him the idea that it was a fluorescent light. Little by little every sound was being left behind including his own breathing and body shaking.

A guy laughed on the upper floor. They must be drunk already he thought. The cigarette in the box began to scream: Smoke me! Smoke me! He delighted with the sparks of the lighter and the sound of the paper burning, and even the sound of the first smoke was a pleasure now that he had found the perfect silence. When he released the smoke he remembered a Pink Floyd’s video. Finally he realized how quiet it felt to concentrate on just one sound. He sat in (on??) the stairs and continued smoking. His feet were cold and his toes felt wet, but he didn’t mind after a couple of smokes.

Then, the blackout came. All of a sudden everything went dark, the boys upstairs hauled and the dog barked louder. Even then he was able to ignore those noises and returned to his peaceful darkness and quiet.

There, in the middle of the city, hidden in a corner of a building, a place were the moonlight never reached, a little red light shined and faded on and on. This cigarette poorly illuminated his freezing-pale face. Maybe he felt as if he were in the perfect loneliness, sad, obscure, cold, freezing shaking, smoking and hearing every sound but paying attention to none.

This was the color black, the absence of light. And with this absence the perfect silence came. The only thing he was able to hear was his own heart beating. The rest of the noises pretended to have gone and no other disturbance dared to alter that hidden place.

Gradually he started hearing his beatings louder and louder. Not because of his heart actually beating stronger but because of the silence. It was indeed weird, but he got scared that someone could hear his heart, though nobody was near. In fact he didn’t think of it.

After a while he really got mad about it, he tried to concentrate in this sound as he had done with the others but it was worse. Every second was harder and he couldn’t figure out how to stop feeling that awful sensation. He had started sweating cold and got madly nervous. He hurried the cigarette and lit another right away. He was shaking, but not because of the cold. This time was truly because he was scared and nervous. He felt as if his chest was going to explode because of his heart beatings. His veins were too narrow for his blood to run through them, his hands shaked as his fingers tried to catch some calm from the cold air.

He couldn’t stand this any longer and decide to lit his lighter to have some light to drive off the complete darkness, and when he did the electricity returned to the city. The boys upstairs screamed in happiness, the dog ended barking and the buzzing returned to his normal annoying routine.

He breathed now relieved, dried the sweat off his forehead as he continued smoking. His heart calmed down with the light on again but still the silence insisted in taking over his place where felt safe, so he gave up to the silence. It made him fell like dead, like if he didn’t exist. After all, nobody was near and the only company he had was the buzzing of the fluorescent light from the corridor.

Again, in the middle of the city, in that hidden place where the moonlight never reached, there was him, smoking and hearing to every sound but paying attention to none.

Modified Dreams.... Capítulo Siete... Living Dream...

2007-06-23T21:32:00.000-07:00

I was once quite naive... I had only my hopes, my wishes, my childish tenderness, my perfect love... But I lost all that...

I was walking with those words in my mind, trying to figure out what they meant but some reason blocked my memories...

suddenly I found a sight... a captivating one, a sight that could truly make me think of anything else and could truly turn me mad... this eyes were extremely exciting and were from a girl who was simply gorgeous. But she then talked to me... we became friends... our friendship lasted a week

whenever I tried to escape from her look I couldn't, she was just a spell which wouldn't let me go with my normal life... normal in some reasonable sense...

despite of all this I tought I was meant to be hers now and forever... but Actually I still wanted to know why I was thinking of those miserable words in my head again and again...

she kissed me once... It was wonderful, I was really doped, high, stoned, flipped because of that sensation I had never felt before... a kind of electricity numbed my lips from anything else.. from any other girl's kiss, sex, body... and I have to admit I did tried to forget her... damn I never got it...

I even had a strong-feeling relation with certain girl who assuredly used me... It feels no good... I swear...

Thoguh I tried strongly to forget this cursed effect that her lips had over mine I just couldn't... I had to die in life to realize she was my true salvation....

But something happened... everything I took for granted as being honest long lasting and.. I have to say; love... was a lie...

I hated everything on earth because she wasn't worth of trust as I had thought before.. she lied to me.. and I'm not a saint.. I had done a similar deceit... and I was forgiven... but I was forgiven because I had been honest in saying how things really happened and how stupid were the reasons I has to explain that fact... summing up: I got forgiveness just like God would have given me...

Now I'm thinking whether I forgive her or not... I guess I can trust her again... someday...

But the feling that I have the certainty of her lies, of the lies she is telling me now, don't let me be the good and true lover I was before her betrayal... and I always remember this feeling, remember how I looked up for words which could define the best this sensation:
betrayal, treason, mistake, lie, fake, blaming, stricken, fire, anger, rage, hell, infernus... and so on... (so, would you ask again how Anger's Angel was fed?) and for some songs which did the same: "I hope you're dong fine out there without me, cause I'm not doing so good without you" "no, no more sorrow, I paid for your mistakes" "death greets me warm, now I would just say good bye" "Say it for me, say it to me, and I'll leave this life behind me, say it if it's worth saving me" and so on...

And I can't find an answer... I only know that I have a good reason to be worried, all my "normal stuff" to do isn't enough to keep me busy thinking on something else... I have to say I'm still in love with her... though the real reasons for thinking those damned word are as simpleas this: I' not perfect... I hae commited mistakes but I've been able to carry on... so I think I'll take the oportunity to be happy and complete... she recognised her mistakes and if I was once forgiven I could forgive her now, and try to trust her once again and for the last time...but this time... ours will last forever... I gave her another opportunity...

How naive I am... I will never be what I was someday for her... Because she kept on liying, she has lied to me for the very last time... she is the only woman I should have never trust...

Then I know why I had thse words in my head:

I was once quite naive... I had only my hopes, my wishes, my childish tenderness, my perfect love... But I lost all that...

Anger... Intro para el show de los viejos...

2007-06-21T13:41:00.000-07:00

I don't wanna know your senseless reasons, I don't wanna hear your words that only rise my pain. Everything you say makes me feel stoned with fear to lies, it makes me more and more concious of your mistakes, everything from you isolates me each time a little more.

When I remember that, I feel how my anger screams and throbs from the inside trying to make me feel as if I were burning beneath my skin; I remember... and I fell my blood running like lava through my veins, hurting me, driving me mad, blinding me, making me scratch my own chest, trying to liberate some of the rage other arose in me and that I carry inside.

Haven't you realized yet?
Can't you understand?
Can't you see your words hurt like wounds in my skin?
Cant' you see it's your fault that I feel this way?
Haven't you understood that reminding your kisses consumes me?

I face this all alone, I try to forget everything, but even death could not erase the anger in my soul. Moreover I'm not able to let go this sensation in my eyes, in my throat, in my heart... This sensation led by every tear, every beating, every memory,(a shot)
with fire, (a scream)
with fury, (a cry)
with your lies!, (a smoke)
with pain, (a beating)
with death, (a breathing)

with anger...

Modified Dreams... Capitulo Seis... She

2007-06-06T14:09:00.000-07:00

Here I am...

Dreaming, or at least trying to...

I lie in my bed, my eyes closed and a cigarrete between my fingers, trying not to think about some betrayal I was victim of not long ago...

Then, deepened in my harrased toughts I have a chance, I got a hope to forget...

She, my Eternal Friend, closes my eyes... touches my teary eyes... her soft skin releaves me from any raging nightmare...

I feel Her arms.. her kisses, her fragance, her balmy body...

I hold her in my arms, like if I were trying to not let her escape, to keep her by my side so I could let my angst filled heart ease from any suffering...

She kisses me, while my hand goes down through her naked body... our bodies blend into one unique ardent and perfect complementation...

Then, I can see us... She is cuddled in my arms, playing asleep while I give her another kiss...

We both hope that moment could last forever, away from any pain, away from those people that hurt us so much...

I hope She could be here by my side right now and forever...

Modified Dreams... Capítulo Seis... Dream Susana...

2007-05-15T15:22:00.000-07:00

This is something to do with my borading house, and a girl who lives in the
women's boarding house... She's Susana...

It is supposed that women can't go in our rooms, but this girl was living at my boarding house with a boy, who wasn't actually at university, in a room near mine...

I saw her several times... and she looked at me kind of scolding me for my feelings about her.. and his pseudo boyfriend also tried to say with his looks that I shouldn't get close to her...

But in the morning I went to have a shower... and she was in her pijamas going to the showers too... I couldn't resist and I gave her a kiss... she said "I Told you not to do it!" and she kissed me back more than my kiss had lasted... then the obvious: her boyfriend came and took her away...

I had the shower anyway.... while I was on this someone threw me cold water over the shower door... I guess it was he...

After that, we were in a contryside road, and this guy was riding a bike, I think he was going home by bike...

And she was saying goodbye to Susana... I faced him for the incident with the cold water and I punched him in the face... he got a bleeding lip... I said sorry but he tried to answer back...

Susana Told him to calm down and he took his way...

I fell on my knees and she hold me in her arms.. "why did yu do that?" she asked... "I don't Know" I answered.. and we kissed each other...

It was extremely weird dreamig of her.. and the dream itself was also too strange...

I think that's why I saw her today and she gave me a smile back...

Pushing Me Away.. What It Means To Me Now...

2007-05-11T16:30:00.000-07:00

When I look into your eyes
When I try to see if you remember something

There's nothing there to see
I realise you forgot everthing you promised

Nothing but my own mistakes
Only too much love I gave you

Staring back at me
That you said it was you fear

Everything has to end, you'll soon find, we're outta time, left to watch it all unwhind
Everything has finished, but now even the memories are wortheless

Everything falls apart, even the people who never frown eventually break down
Everything dissapears, including those things I swore eternal

I've lied
YOU HAVE LIED

To you
TO ME!!!

This is the last smile
That was the last attempt

That I'll fake for the sake of being with you
I tried to save our love

The sacrifice is never knowing
But you didn't appreciate what I gave up for you

Why I stayed with you
Why did I believed You

Just push away
You Just LIED To me

No matter what you see
Without even considering how I die for YOU

You're still so blind to me
You don't want to realise the truth that you now HATE me

I've tried
I Put an effort

Like you
like you did, But it was too easy for you, so I couldn't

To do everything you wanted to
To be free and live loosely, to cheat on you,

This is the last time
That was the last thing

I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you
That I Blame Myself of your mistakes

The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
The bad decision of ignoring the truth... your LIES

The sacrifice is never knowing
That Stupidity is to never realise

Reverse phsycology's failing miserably
Trying to make you confess does not work as I planned

It's so hard to be, left all alone
It's Quite hurtful to be betrayed

Telling you is the only chance for me
I've told you you're my only chance of being happy

Theres nothing left but, to turn and face you
Now I only got to Hate who I had to... YOU!

When I look into your eyes
When I try to see if you remember something

There's nothing there to see
I realise you forgot everthing you promised

Nothing but my own mistakes
Only too much love I gave you

Staring back at me
That you said it was you fear

ASking Why...
And I still Don't understand

Why I stayed with you...
I still don't understand how I fell in your game...

Modified Dreams... Capítulo Cinco... Dream Marlene...

2007-05-09T11:56:00.000-07:00

There was a day when I really loved a woman, when i felt everything was going to be perfect, when I thoguht I could marry her someday.

That day is gone now, but there's still a Dream... I was at my aunt's, but she wasn't there. Instead, there were My Bixita and I... She had a baby in her arms.

This baby was quite alike to the girl in the pic... (Mi cousin Marlene) We seemed quite happy, My Bixita was huggging this baby... I took her in my arms and started to play childish with this baby.. I had this idea taht this baby was our daughter, I mean, my Bixita's and mine...

While I played with my daughter I called her Aileen.

So, to sum up I had a daughter with My Bixita and we named her Aileen, I had a work, We were living at my Aunt's and we were happy.

Then my baby did something very common in babies: She threw up on me and started laughing. I had to call work to say I was going to arrive late... my Bixita laughed while I was on the phone.

That Dream was beautiful, I imagined it could become real someday... now all of it is dead... Every Beutiful dream, every charming moment, every sweet kiss, every sublime time we spent toghether... all of that has vanished...

I have my cousin to ease my pain, I have her to give all that I am and all the love that YOU lost because of your mistakes... because of your LIES... Because all that time you kept me betrayed...

Sueños Modificados... Capitulo Cuatro... Falling...

2007-05-02T15:36:00.000-07:00

I'm Driving a car, an old red one. I'm driving near a cliff which is only separated from the highway by a weak white protection barrier. Suddenly I crash the barrier and once broken I start falling to the bottom.

I didn't lose control, I feel I crashed it on purpose though I'm not that sure...

As I fall I can feel the speed, this sensation in the belly when you're falling. I'm scared but neither I scream nor feel desperate about falling.

Then I reach the bottom, in slow motion but it is still strong, I can feel the blow, can hear my bones breaking, can feel my skin burned slowly, can see my body wrapped in flames... and still I don't do anything... I'm still waiting till my eyes close definitely.

When finally I can't stand the pain anymore I scream out all my anger.. I don't think it is because of the phisical pain... my burns are inside, my wounds are in my soul's walls...

Then, I guess, I die... everything went black, and blank...

After that, I open my eyes. There's a crowd watching something... they say it was an accident, others say suicide, others say someone fixed it...

I come closer to what they're watching, I see there's an overcast corpse. As I get closer, nobody seems to notice my prescence... I lift the lining...

it's is Me in the floor! I am watching my own dead body...!

I'm staring at me... but this corpse raises its hand and holds mine... "It was Your fault" it says

Then I wake up... I can still hear those Words... "it Was Your fault".. but still I've got the impression that those words are not meant for me...

El Dolor Del Desengaño... I'm Angry...

2007-04-23T10:41:00.000-07:00

It really hurt, yesterday night a friend of mine told me that my bixita had been unfaithful to me, taht she had cheated on me...

It was just once but the thing is that I didn't know. I called her and she told me that it was a lie, that nothing had happened that day.

Then she told me: "and what if I Cheated on you, does it matter now?"

I told her to go to hell, to fuck off... and then, My anger was released...

I'n Angry now, I love her, but she doesn't deserve my forgiveness. I tried to make it work, but she lost the opportunity...

Never again will I trust her...

It seems my dreams were truly premonitory...

Modified Dreams... Chapter Three... Amiga Eterna...

2007-04-20T20:59:00.000-07:00

Estoy caminado por el borde de un río oscuro como el alquitrán. El río conduce a un lugar oscuro, como el fin de Narnia pero con una niebla gris y pesada. En esa niebla encuentro a varias personas que han sido y son de gran importancia: a la persona que mas le he hecho daño en la vida y que también fue la que mas me amó; la persona que mas he amado y amo; la gente que me ha hecho daño, mis amigos, las personas que saben como sufro, y por último ella, mi eterna amiga.

Todos me dicen que me aleje de mi amada, que me hace daño, que ella no me merece, que ella se mancha las manos con mi sangre, que no me ha sabido entender... pero ella, mi amiga, no dice nada.

Lentamente la gente empieza a alejarse pero aún escucho sus voces repitiendo lo mismo... y ella, mi amiga, se queda de pie... Mientras la dueña de mi corazón se me acerca y me pide que la perdone, que todo va a ser como era antes, que vamos a ser felices, yo tomo su mano, me acerco para darle un beso... le creo y me abandono, ciego como estoy ahora por su amor, su cuerpo, sus besos, la pasión que se enciende en mi cuando estoy con ella..

Y entonces una mano toma la mía desde atrás; es mi melancólica amiga que, negando con la cabeza, me intenta decir que todo está perdido, y que es hora ya de irme.

Cuando intento volver a ver los ojos de mi amada, ella ya ha desaparecido.

Entre lágrimas caigo de rodillas al suelo.
Siento las manos frías y temblorosas de mi confidente y conciencia, que me acompaña con sus lágrimas. Se escucha un beso y luego todo se vuelve oscuridad excepto aquella tenue luz pegad a a nuestros cuerpos..

Ese beso, a pesar de ser un sueño, se siente real, tan real como la lágrima que ahora corre por mi mejilla. Y a pesar de su fría piel, ese beso se siente cálido, como una abrazo de desnudez, como la complementación perfecta; el ardor de mi Ira, sofocado por la calma de una triste melancolía hecha beso y comprensión.

Había una vez una joven, niña cuando yo era niño, que tenia una mirada melancólica. Ella era de tez pálida, labios sensuales, cuerpo de ángel y una voz amable y tierna. Lo único que la hacia distinta era su personalidad solitaria... pero no por eso, al alejarse de la gente no dejaba de sufrir, todo lo contrario. Y eso aumentaba más esa expresión de tristeza que le caracterizaba...

Esta niña, tal como la recuerdo, se me aparece recurrentemente en sueños, y en cada maldito sueño me da un beso que me despierta cruelmente haciendome volver a la realidad, prohibiendome soñar que pudo ser así, tal vez.

Hoy por hoy esa niña es uno de los mejores recuerdos que guardo. Mi Amiga, la mujer que me tortura en sueños, al princesa que me inspira al sólo recordar su triste expresión...

Este es el sueño que nunca te conté, es el sueño que quizás debí contar, es el sentimiento que debió salir para provocar aun mas dolor en mi alma, es el sentimiento que debía esperar el momento justo para ser revelado, es el sentimiento que oculté para no perder algo que ahora es mas valioso que un beso que tal vez hiciera morir lo mas importante. Es el sentimiento que guardo dentro de mi, porque me da tu amistad, que as algo que no tiene precio...

Tu sabes que es así... Amiga Eterna

Sueños modificados... Chapter Two... Waterfall...

2007-04-16T10:14:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I (and I think you also) wake up feeling stricken, and your heart beats so quick that it hurts. I might be because of a cruel dream; not a nightmare, those make one wake up on sweat.

Well, then I try to Remember the dream and; my imagination itself (without asking for permission) transforms that dream into something more painful because it added some of my fears... like this one:

"I'm standing on the edge of a 70 mt. high waterfall that there is in Yungay, and I'm arranging two video cameras; one recording the fall of the water and the other recording me. To one of the Cameras I say something like: "this is the end, I chose this to finish everything. There will be no more pain" and I cut my arms, I'm killing myself. Then I jump off from the edge just to make sure that I'll die. I'm falling, but I see myself through the cameras while I'm falling. I can see my blood falling slower than the rest of my body.

I'm half way down when suddenly I feel like flying, that I'm not Falling anymore. I'm Trying to control it, I feel like I'm suspended in the air with my arms open and still bleeding. I scream on anger while I glance at my arms which are now healing. I won't die now, I stopped bleeding and I fall no longer.

Then I start controlling this, I'm Fling to my beloved's house while I realise that it's night already.

I'm in Front of her window. I'm Smoking a cigarrete, my hands are shaking, trembling. I shout her name out, calling her, I scream a mix of anger, nerves, sadness, tears, smoke. I'm Crying, I feel that I'm not dead but that I don't exist either. Or at least not for her. I'm falling again".

So, what is real and what is not? what was really my dream and what wasn't?

Sueños Modificados... Chapter One... Suppose...

2007-04-14T14:38:00.000-07:00

-Never again will I fall in love - I told my friend.

-What happened? – Asked he – you seemed to get on like a house on fire!

-Yeah, we did; but something happened a couple of weeks ago. Listen up, she called to tell me about a dream she had had in which she saw me falling from a bridge. I told her not to worry because it had just been a dream, but then I had a dream too. On it, I could see myself falling from a bridge, the same I guess. There I could look up to her standing on the bridge… and she was kissing another guy.

My friend kept silent for a while and then asked:

-What does it have to do with you breaking up with her? Was it premonitory or something?

-Kind of – I answered – because I talked to her about it and she told me the same as I did; to not to worry, to trust her, that it had just been a dream so it would never possibly happen… and I did trust her… until yesterday night when I got an e-mail with a photo dated from the same day. The picture showed her kissing the damn same guy I had seen in my dream.

My friend went pale and nervous when asking:

-Who was he?

- It was you.

whose fault is it?

2007-04-10T11:52:00.000-07:00

When does a feeling hurt?

I think it does when you want it to...

I mean... well, feelings are usually meant to last little, as some people say... but it depends on YOU how long it takes you to forget... or remember

So, as Pablo Neruda said: "es tan corto el amor y tan largo el olvido"

A Friend of mine told me once that I was leaving many things behind, that I wasn't living enough.

Both of these are because of feelings, some are so strong that you cannot simply let them go away and you start wondering if life worths enough to be suffered, I mean, lived.

Then you decide to stay steady against all odds... you decide to Live... but it is now time to REMEMBER, which really makes you sad, mad, angry, and stupid because YOU try to feel again what made you feel so!

The nonsense is that some of uf like this angst-filled sensations.

It Hurts, and neither writting nor speaking to a friend relieves you.

The only possible way to exile those painful feelings and stay with the "pleasant" ones is...

Well there's no possible way exept Dying.. which is not my choice and shouldn't been your's either...

Soñar...

2007-04-04T08:16:00.000-07:00

Soñar..
que puede ser eso?
será que es cuando te veo...
cuando escucho tu voz...
cuando siento tu alegria invadiendome...
no sé, porque, al parecer, los sueños aparecen por la noches...
y tu estás frente a mis ojos sólo cuando la pelotita amarilla está alumbrando...
y esa es mi alegría, mi sedante, mi adormecedor...
lo que no quiere decir que sea como estar despierto al final...
pareciera que morfeo también trabaja de dia...

It is time to feel the angst... Anger...

2007-03-29T10:19:00.000-07:00

Anger, feel how I burn inside. How I wish to scream that I love and hate. Maybe I’ll never get it, as I’ll never get your balmy affection or your sweet forgiveness because it seems that I’m an idiot. And maybe this same foolishness makes me perceive the pain it causes when the things you do to me, or those you don’t, happen to reach my heart. Or maybe it’s me who causes the pain you haven’t done to me yet. and it’s me who watches the time passing by while trying to forget and forgive all such indiscretions I haven’t said yet and all the kisses I haven’t given you yet. Reminds me of the nights spent in your arms.

How I am not supposed to feel as a jerk? If I only speak foolishnesses, nonsense, stupid words which reveal from my mind trying to find a reason for: how do this feeling work? But, what am I meant to explain? How can I make you explore this, sweet heart?

Does this sound absurd? Am I odd? Maybe it’s true but the matter is that it is your eyes, your presence, your tempting lips and the way your voice stunts me that turns me mad. Because I just need a Word of yours to realize I’m crazy about you. I do need god’s forgiveness, my forgetfulness or death. I have no way back. This is my dead-end. Sorry. I’m dying. Let me disappear once and I’ll be able to cry for you and to reach my final peace.