23 de junio de 2007

Modified Dreams.... Capítulo Siete... Living Dream...

I was once quite naive... I had only my hopes, my wishes, my childish tenderness, my perfect love... But I lost all that...

I was walking with those words in my mind, trying to figure out what they meant but some reason blocked my memories...

suddenly I found a sight... a captivating one, a sight that could truly make me think of anything else and could truly turn me mad... this eyes were extremely exciting and were from a girl who was simply gorgeous. But she then talked to me... we became friends... our friendship lasted a week

whenever I tried to escape from her look I couldn't, she was just a spell which wouldn't let me go with my normal life... normal in some reasonable sense...

despite of all this I tought I was meant to be hers now and forever... but Actually I still wanted to know why I was thinking of those miserable words in my head again and again...


she kissed me once... It was wonderful, I was really doped, high, stoned, flipped because of that sensation I had never felt before... a kind of electricity numbed my lips from anything else.. from any other girl's kiss, sex, body... and I have to admit I did tried to forget her... damn I never got it...

I even had a strong-feeling relation with certain girl who assuredly used me... It feels no good... I swear...

Thoguh I tried strongly to forget this cursed effect that her lips had over mine I just couldn't... I had to die in life to realize she was my true salvation....

But something happened... everything I took for granted as being honest long lasting and.. I have to say; love... was a lie...

I hated everything on earth because she wasn't worth of trust as I had thought before.. she lied to me.. and I'm not a saint.. I had done a similar deceit... and I was forgiven... but I was forgiven because I had been honest in saying how things really happened and how stupid were the reasons I has to explain that fact... summing up: I got forgiveness just like God would have given me...


Now I'm thinking whether I forgive her or not... I guess I can trust her again... someday...

But the feling that I have the certainty of her lies, of the lies she is telling me now, don't let me be the good and true lover I was before her betrayal... and I always remember this feeling, remember how I looked up for words which could define the best this sensation:
betrayal, treason, mistake, lie, fake, blaming, stricken, fire, anger, rage, hell, infernus... and so on... (so, would you ask again how Anger's Angel was fed?) and for some songs which did the same: "I hope you're dong fine out there without me, cause I'm not doing so good without you" "no, no more sorrow, I paid for your mistakes" "death greets me warm, now I would just say good bye" "Say it for me, say it to me, and I'll leave this life behind me, say it if it's worth saving me" and so on...

And I can't find an answer... I only know that I have a good reason to be worried, all my "normal stuff" to do isn't enough to keep me busy thinking on something else... I have to say I'm still in love with her... though the real reasons for thinking those damned word are as simpleas this: I' not perfect... I hae commited mistakes but I've been able to carry on... so I think I'll take the oportunity to be happy and complete... she recognised her mistakes and if I was once forgiven I could forgive her now, and try to trust her once again and for the last time...but this time... ours will last forever... I gave her another opportunity...

How naive I am... I will never be what I was someday for her... Because she kept on liying, she has lied to me for the very last time... she is the only woman I should have never trust...

Then I know why I had thse words in my head:

I was once quite naive... I had only my hopes, my wishes, my childish tenderness, my perfect love... But I lost all that...

7 comentarios:

*Molks* dijo...

right.. ok...


excellent post..

what do I think?
maybe you should forgive her. it's no good to have that amount of ressentment in your heart.

i've been in the same place...

i know the name of the painful mixture of dfesire, lover, hate and pain...
the name of my ex..

what else.. thanks for the post on my flog...
im tired! ill post something more interesting oncve i can sleep..

take care

best wishes
Molks xxx

Gledwood dijo...

This is a question (not my point of view- I don't know) ... do you think she knows your feelings and is manipulating you?

Gledwood dijo...

I have a lot of anger in me. My old counsellor used to say "what are you doing with your anger"... btw the spelling mistakes in my Story are bc I wrote it down on paper and was typing it up whilst reading it, usually I type while reading the screen (I have touch typing but it is really bad...)

Gledwood dijo...

hi Kao I'm just passing... I've not been around at all for a while except for posting on my blog ...hardly been anywhere ... howzit going with u?
I'm still posting up my blinkin' longwinded druggie downfall story!
Take it e.z.
&
all the best

gleds ...

Deslogueada dijo...

I don't know..I agree with "molks" :)
she's not good for you...
I hope you feel better now.
see ya!
:)

Edyta dijo...

DAMN!
Ur writing is sexy. IT IS. pure orgasmic pleasure. its very emotional, sensual, so so deep. I dont know whether u should forgive her. the answer is within u if only u can find it.
I think u r lucky. u r one of those ppl who can love with all of their heart. its beautiful.

Edyta dijo...

wait wait wait... no continuation?
ok, waiting...