23 de abril de 2007

El Dolor Del Desengaño... I'm Angry...

It really hurt, yesterday night a friend of mine told me that my bixita had been unfaithful to me, taht she had cheated on me...

It was just once but the thing is that I didn't know. I called her and she told me that it was a lie, that nothing had happened that day.

Then she told me: "and what if I Cheated on you, does it matter now?"

I told her to go to hell, to fuck off... and then, My anger was released...

I'n Angry now, I love her, but she doesn't deserve my forgiveness. I tried to make it work, but she lost the opportunity...

Never again will I trust her...

It seems my dreams were truly premonitory...

20 de abril de 2007

Modified Dreams... Chapter Three... Amiga Eterna...

Estoy caminado por el borde de un río oscuro como el alquitrán. El río conduce a un lugar oscuro, como el fin de Narnia pero con una niebla gris y pesada. En esa niebla encuentro a varias personas que han sido y son de gran importancia: a la persona que mas le he hecho daño en la vida y que también fue la que mas me amó; la persona que mas he amado y amo; la gente que me ha hecho daño, mis amigos, las personas que saben como sufro, y por último ella, mi eterna amiga.

Todos me dicen que me aleje de mi amada, que me hace daño, que ella no me merece, que ella se mancha las manos con mi sangre, que no me ha sabido entender... pero ella, mi amiga, no dice nada.

Lentamente la gente empieza a alejarse pero aún escucho sus voces repitiendo lo mismo... y ella, mi amiga, se queda de pie... Mientras la dueña de mi corazón se me acerca y me pide que la perdone, que todo va a ser como era antes, que vamos a ser felices, yo tomo su mano, me acerco para darle un beso... le creo y me abandono, ciego como estoy ahora por su amor, su cuerpo, sus besos, la pasión que se enciende en mi cuando estoy con ella..

Y entonces una mano toma la mía desde atrás; es mi melancólica amiga que, negando con la cabeza, me intenta decir que todo está perdido, y que es hora ya de irme.

Cuando intento volver a ver los ojos de mi amada, ella ya ha desaparecido.

Entre lágrimas caigo de rodillas al suelo.
Siento las manos frías y temblorosas de mi confidente y conciencia, que me acompaña con sus lágrimas. Se escucha un beso y luego todo se vuelve oscuridad excepto aquella tenue luz pegad a a nuestros cuerpos..

Ese beso, a pesar de ser un sueño, se siente real, tan real como la lágrima que ahora corre por mi mejilla. Y a pesar de su fría piel, ese beso se siente cálido, como una abrazo de desnudez, como la complementación perfecta; el ardor de mi Ira, sofocado por la calma de una triste melancolía hecha beso y comprensión.

Había una vez una joven, niña cuando yo era niño, que tenia una mirada melancólica. Ella era de tez pálida, labios sensuales, cuerpo de ángel y una voz amable y tierna. Lo único que la hacia distinta era su personalidad solitaria... pero no por eso, al alejarse de la gente no dejaba de sufrir, todo lo contrario. Y eso aumentaba más esa expresión de tristeza que le caracterizaba...

Esta niña, tal como la recuerdo, se me aparece recurrentemente en sueños, y en cada maldito sueño me da un beso que me despierta cruelmente haciendome volver a la realidad, prohibiendome soñar que pudo ser así, tal vez.

Hoy por hoy esa niña es uno de los mejores recuerdos que guardo. Mi Amiga, la mujer que me tortura en sueños, al princesa que me inspira al sólo recordar su triste expresión...

Este es el sueño que nunca te conté, es el sueño que quizás debí contar, es el sentimiento que debió salir para provocar aun mas dolor en mi alma, es el sentimiento que debía esperar el momento justo para ser revelado, es el sentimiento que oculté para no perder algo que ahora es mas valioso que un beso que tal vez hiciera morir lo mas importante. Es el sentimiento que guardo dentro de mi, porque me da tu amistad, que as algo que no tiene precio...

Tu sabes que es así... Amiga Eterna

16 de abril de 2007

Sueños modificados... Chapter Two... Waterfall...

Sometimes I (and I think you also) wake up feeling stricken, and your heart beats so quick that it hurts. I might be because of a cruel dream; not a nightmare, those make one wake up on sweat.

Well, then I try to Remember the dream and; my imagination itself (without asking for permission) transforms that dream into something more painful because it added some of my fears... like this one:

"I'm standing on the edge of a 70 mt. high waterfall that there is in Yungay, and I'm arranging two video cameras; one recording the fall of the water and the other recording me. To one of the Cameras I say something like: "this is the end, I chose this to finish everything. There will be no more pain" and I cut my arms, I'm killing myself. Then I jump off from the edge just to make sure that I'll die. I'm falling, but I see myself through the cameras while I'm falling. I can see my blood falling slower than the rest of my body.

I'm half way down when suddenly I feel like flying, that I'm not Falling anymore. I'm Trying to control it, I feel like I'm suspended in the air with my arms open and still bleeding. I scream on anger while I glance at my arms which are now healing. I won't die now, I stopped bleeding and I fall no longer.


Then I start controlling this, I'm Fling to my beloved's house while I realise that it's night already.

I'm in Front of her window. I'm Smoking a cigarrete, my hands are shaking, trembling. I shout her name out, calling her, I scream a mix of anger, nerves, sadness, tears, smoke. I'm Crying, I feel that I'm not dead but that I don't exist either. Or at least not for her. I'm falling again".


So, what is real and what is not? what was really my dream and what wasn't?

14 de abril de 2007

Sueños Modificados... Chapter One... Suppose...

-Never again will I fall in love - I told my friend.

-What happened? – Asked he – you seemed to get on like a house on fire!

-Yeah, we did; but something happened a couple of weeks ago. Listen up, she called to tell me about a dream she had had in which she saw me falling from a bridge. I told her not to worry because it had just been a dream, but then I had a dream too. On it, I could see myself falling from a bridge, the same I guess. There I could look up to her standing on the bridge… and she was kissing another guy.

My friend kept silent for a while and then asked:

-What does it have to do with you breaking up with her? Was it premonitory or something?

-Kind of – I answered – because I talked to her about it and she told me the same as I did; to not to worry, to trust her, that it had just been a dream so it would never possibly happen… and I did trust her… until yesterday night when I got an e-mail with a photo dated from the same day. The picture showed her kissing the damn same guy I had seen in my dream.

My friend went pale and nervous when asking:

-Who was he?

- It was you.

10 de abril de 2007

whose fault is it?


When does a feeling hurt?

I think it does when you want it to...

I mean... well, feelings are usually meant to last little, as some people say... but it depends on YOU how long it takes you to forget... or remember

So, as Pablo Neruda said: "es tan corto el amor y tan largo el olvido"

A Friend of mine told me once that I was leaving many things behind, that I wasn't living enough.

Both of these are because of feelings, some are so strong that you cannot simply let them go away and you start wondering if life worths enough to be suffered, I mean, lived.

Then you decide to stay steady against all odds... you decide to Live... but it is now time to REMEMBER, which really makes you sad, mad, angry, and stupid because YOU try to feel again what made you feel so!

The nonsense is that some of uf like this angst-filled sensations.

It Hurts, and neither writting nor speaking to a friend relieves you.

The only possible way to exile those painful feelings and stay with the "pleasant" ones is...

Well there's no possible way exept Dying.. which is not my choice and shouldn't been your's either...

4 de abril de 2007

Soñar...




Soñar..
que puede ser eso?

será que es cuando te veo...

cuando escucho tu voz...
cuando siento tu alegria invadiendome...
no sé,
porque, al parecer, los sueños aparecen por la noches...
y tu estás frente a mis ojos sólo cuando la pelotita amarilla está alumbrando...
y esa es mi alegría, mi sedante, mi adormecedor...
lo que no quiere decir que sea como estar despierto al final...
pareciera que morfeo también trabaja de dia...